Writing Contest 2021 Second Place Award Essay Exhibition
Class 16 (Level 3)
Do you know what Friendship is? Well, personally I think that friendship is a relationship between friends that show honesty, kindness and funniness, etc. Friendship is formed by listening to other people and trying to play together well. If you treat people nicely, then they will treat you back nicely and will not scorn you back. Friendship is very important in our world.
First, honesty is a good behavior to treat your friends. I use honesty so I don’t lie to anybody. For example, if you are at school and you are playing a game, the other team scores and is about to win. You should not lie and tell them you are on the winning team’s team if you are not. Even though they might think you won but you actually didn’t. Winning doesn’t make you a better person but the truth does. I think you should try to be honest to your friends so you can be more good. Honesty is very kind and respectful and good to use when you want to make friends. If you don’t treat them with honesty they could feel woe and sadness.
Next, is kindness, it is an important trait to friendship. It can also prevent you from being mean. Being kind is a good step to make friends. I think that kindness is a thing that other people will like to be treated with. Also, kindness can make friends all around you, even your enemies, like you. Even if they do not treat you with respect, you should still show them kindness. Like, if someone hits you, and you hit the back, they will think you are very mean. But if you do not hit them back, they will show kindness to you the next time they see you.
Last, is Funny (funniness), it can help you make your friends laugh and they will like you. I like to use funniness to do that. It is very strong, like a stout oak tree stirring in a tsunami or a hurricane. Being funny is like something to attract friends at school or in a place where you don’t know anybody. It can really help! Just tell a joke or pull a prank to make someone laugh!
These three traits can help you be a better person and make friendships. I think you should use them someday!
Class 16 (Level 3)
“Hmm, where are we going to go this summer? Maybe Hawaii, or it could be China, but I think I heard my mom talking about Mexico,” I said to myself as I was walking home to enjoy my much deserved summer break. I had worked hard in school, and I had got an A + on all of my homework. I was as tired as a kid could be. I was ready for a vacation. When I got home, I wanted to play video games all day long, but my mom asked me to feed the dog and the cat first. I tried to argue, but my mom made me feed my dog and cat anyway. I sighed, and went to my backyard to feed my dog and cat.
Before I entered the backyard, I overheard my dog and cat talking! At first I didn’t believe it. I looked around to see if this was another one of my little brother Iven’s jokes. A few minutes later I realized that this was not one of Iven’s jokes because I just looked over at the street and saw my little brother Iven coming back from school.
I turned around and heard my dog say, “Maybe we should ask the kid to help.”
I was shocked that my dog could actually talk! I was also wondering what kid they were talking about and what help they needed. I stepped out onto my lawn and said, “You can TALK?”!!!!!!
My cat and dog both turned to look at me. My cat said,“We were just talking about you, and yes we can talk.”
My dog said, “We are from a faraway planet called Planet X. We came through the portal on Diamond Peak Mountain, but monsters didn’t let us go back. Can you please help us get back to our planet?”
I had heard of many stories about the legendary monsters of Diamond Peak Mountain. That’s why nobody ever goes there. I said, “No, I am not fighting the legendary monsters of Diamond Peak Mountain.”
“Please”, my cat begged.
“No”,I said again.
“I’ll give you ten bags of gummy worms,”his cat said.
Gummy worms were my favorite. I thought gummy worms were the best candy in the world. I didn’t think twice. I said, “ YES!!! My name is Bob, what’s your name?”
“Thanks for willing to help us! My name is Henra Mcfarterson and his name is Henry Mcfarterson. We are siblings,” my cat said. Before we left I told my mom I would walk the dog and cat. Then, we got prepared, and headed to Diamond Peak Mountain.
When we got to Diamond Peak Mountain, we saw how big it was, it was gigantic. It was the second tallest mountain in the world, and it looked like a lightning bolt.
We began hiking to the top of the mountain. We hiked and hiked, but we only hiked about half way when the sun began to set. We set up a tent and a campfire. Then, we made dinner, and when we finished eating, we roasted smores. After that, we talked a bit and went to bed.
The next day, we ate toast for breakfast. Then, we started hiking again. When we got to the top, I was totally out of breath. I was sweating and I was very hot. I felt as hot as the sun!
At the top of the mountain we saw giant jagged rocks everywhere. We all saw the giant golden gateway that led to Planet X. The gateway was outstanding. We were very tired, so we decided to take a break and eat some snacks. I was eating an energy bar. Henra was munching on some cat treats, and Henry wasn't hungry, so he didn’t eat anything. Halfway through our snack, we heard a giant earthshaking THUMP behind us! Then there was another THUMP! When we turned around, we saw two extremely big monsters.
The giant monsters had two horns sticking out of their heads! They had three eyes, and a giant mouth full of razor sharp teeth. Their claws were extra long. They had a belly so big all of us could fit in it. Also, the monsters were wearing shiny gold armor.
The monsters ran towards us. We got up and ran as fast as lightning into the gateway to Planet X.
On the other side we saw a busy city full of cats and dogs. We were all panting but we continued to run. We ran and ran as fast as we could, as fast as our legs could carry us, and we stopped at the Whitehouse. I asked, “Is everyone okay?”
I’m fine,” Henra replied.
“So am I,” Henry said.
Just then, I saw the same two monsters come through the gateway. I asked, “Can one of you go into the Whitehouse and get the president to help?”
“I’ll go,” Henry said and he hurried off into the Whitehouse. He returned a few minutes later and said, “The president said he would help us.”
I said, “Good, let’s go.” Then we rushed towards the monsters.
We were almost there when we ran into the president. The president was leading an army of tanks. There were also blue jets flying around blasting at the monsters.
The president gave me a gun. He also gave Henra and Henry a gun. We started shooting at the monsters with our guns. We all knew this battle was fatal to Planet X.
The monsters were smashing jets and stepping on tanks. Any tank that got stepped on was obliterated. The battle was raging but eventually the monsters were all defeated.
I said goodbye to Henra and Henry, and I went back home. A few months later I found ten bags of gummy worms in his mailbox.
Grader 1 Notes:
This is a very creative and exciting story. I loved all of the action that you included. You did a great job including inner thoughts and showing your character's motivations throughout your story. Pay attention to your word choice and where you choose to add details. Make sure that your details are important to the story and not just to add length to your writing. You use the word “then” a lot in your story. Use words that help your story move along and that do not seem too repetitive. You did a great job adding in unit vocabulary. You chose great words that supported your details and fit in perfectly. I wish you would have used more detail at the end of your story. The battle should have been the most exciting part of your story, and it was one of the shortest parts. Use all of those details in your climax. Leading up to the climax, there does not have to be so much detail. Although details are important, it is more important to show excitement in the climax than to tell what everyone was eating while you were just sitting around. Overall, a really great job. This was a great story!
Class 6 (Level 4)
Nov 24, 2021
Mr. President
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, DC 20500
Dear Mr. President,
I hope this email finds you well. Thank you for serving our country.
I am writing to recommend that the White House issue a special award, Award of Bravery and Care Certificate, to the police officers in the entire country. My reasons are as follows.
First, the police officers are risking their lives every day to help our community and to keep everyone safe. For example, my mom and I were driving home from school one day last summer. On the highway a couple police cars passed by with their sirens blaring, so my mom thought there might be an accident in front of us, and decided to go a different way home to avoid the accident. While we were waiting for the traffic light at the highway exit, a car came whizzing in the opposite direction. Suddenly, the car made a sharp right turn and bumped into a truck and two other cars! When we were about to leave, we saw a man with a weapon come out of the first car, and there was a police car right behind it, with an officer coming out with a gun. I was stunned. A moment later, we saw 20 or more police cars racing over. I began to quiver. This was like the scene of an action movie coming to life. So scary! The police officers surrounded the lane, closing it off. The officers pulled out shields and all sorts of guns. The criminal finally surrendered, and the police drove off with the suspect in one of the cars, saving us all. I saw the police has the courage to face guns with my own eyes.
Second, they will try to help anyone, even animals and criminals from fires, floods, and other natural disasters. In 2020 the California wildfires had burned over 4,000,000 acres of land. The fires destroyed over 20,000 buildings in just Northern California alone. Along with the firefighters, the police officers helped evacuate people and animals from the fire and toxic smoke. They also kept order in places suffering from wildfires. Without their help, a lot of animals won’t be able to survive.
Third, they are very focused and careful with tools and inspections. Once I watched a video all about police and what they do and they said that they have to be very careful to make the clever and delicate fingerprint revealing trick work. Only with their careful work can they catch the criminals and bring justice to the victims.
Fourth, they work extra hard, especially during the pandemic. They had to quickly respond to the never-ending medical emergencies filled the country.
We have to thank all the police officers in the entire country for risking and even sacrificing their own lives to keep us safe, and have the criminals pay for their crimes. Without them, we would be living in chaos, especially when the pandemic started last year. I suggest you give them an award for their bravery and care. Do you agree?
Thank you for your consideration. Happy Holidays!
Sincerely,
Max
Grader 1 Notes:
Wonderful organization of your letter. You break up your reasons very well in focused body paragraphs. You have great examples and evidence to support the reasons you give, but you give much more evidence for some of your reasons than others. You have great letter format and you even gave a name to the award! There are a couple of small grammar mistakes, so don’t forget to read through your work before you submit it!
Grader 2 Notes:
Wow! This is a very powerful and well-thought-out letter. It is well organized and includes all of the necessary parts of a letter. It is very clear that you have a strong understanding of the writing process and how to write a letter. I love how you speak directly to the president and make your reasons clear.
Class 1 (Level 4)
Dear Donor,
My name is Ryan. I live in Irvine. I heard you are going to choose a facility to improve our community. In my opinion, the best facility you should build is a skatepark. In our community, we do not have a skatepark. A skatepark is healthier, safer and cheaper than any other options.
First of all, skateboarding is fun and it is good for children’s body. Children can learn a lot of tricks and skills in skateboarding. It brings people together and is a very fun sport. Children can increase their knowledge about skateboarding while having lots of fun with people. Furthermore, skateboarding actually is a complete workout itself. You can train your body while skateboarding. One skill you can learn while skateboarding is balance. Balance helps you concentrate and not fall off of the skateboard. It takes time to get better at balance. Learning how to skateboard would help them exercise while having fun.
In addition, a skatepark is actually cheaper than any other facilities. All a skatepark needs is a big space, some ramps, and some supervisors. For example, for a library, you have to build the facility, but then you still have to buy all the books and shelves, so that would take a lot of money. The ramps don’t cost a lot of money, either. They can be assembled in many different ways for different tricks. The ramps are also very durable, so they can last a long time before they break. You could open the skatepark for birthday parties and then you could earn money back.
Finally, a skatepark is safer than skateboarding on the road or sidewalk. The children could fall on the bumpy road or trip on the sidewalk. A car could come and would be extreme danger. In a skatepark, however, they have appropriate structures built just for skateboarding, so it’s safer than anywhere else. Also, in skateparks, they have supervisors who watch the children and keep them safe. The supervisors can give the children advice about skateboarding and assist then to make sure they’re having fun and being safe. Our community, however, does not have one so we need one. Making the community safer for children is the best interest of everyone.
As you can see, a skatepark will bring children fun, safety, and it is cheaper to build than other choices. This is why I think building a skatepark is the best of all facilities. I hope you agree to build a skatepark in my community. I appreciate your generosity for building a facility and I am looking forward to playing in the new skatepark.
Sincerely,
Ryan
Grader 1 Notes:
Ryan I really like your idea and it is one of the most creative ones in the competition! You do a great job giving clear and convincing reasons, and you also sound excited about the possibilities. Comparing the skatepark with other options like a library was quite clever. You definitely thought about a variety of the advantages. I wish you described a bit more what it would look like and what the ramps were made of, so the donor could have a better idea of how cheap and effective it can be. You did use vocabulary and transitions nicely, and your essay had great structure. You also used summary sentences very well throughout your paragraphs. Nice job!
Class 2 (Level 5)
Dear President Biden,
Climate change is one of the most important challenges of humans in this century. The ability to adapt, mitigate and reduce carbon emission will be decisive to preserve the world for future generations. Climate change is the change in average weather conditions. Climate change is responsible for the change in the normal climatic conditions. These changes result in heavy storms, heatwaves, floods, and melting glaciers.
Our earth is going through a lot of changes to climate, which is impacting the lives of people and other living things. Global warming is one part of climate change that causes a big impact, imagine being in the blazing sun for days without any shade, even at night! It will be tragic to people, see many people die from heatstroke, especially family members. Then, climate change also causes more frequent disasters, higher sea levels that result in floods, snow, and ice are decreasing because of melting extreme temperatures, and also a decrease in water availability will cause many plants and crops to die. People are burning oil, coal, natural gas, and other fossil fuels which are released into the atmosphere which are causing the greenhouse effect. Climate change is just like what it’s called, a change in the climate. Next, climate change is also causing terrifying natural disasters to occur more often or have a stronger impact which might destroy people’s homes and will cause many deaths. Lastly, climate change can also trigger many animal actions where they try to adapt to the changing climate.
First, global warming makes our planet warmer but too much might make the earth heat up quickly causing droughts and heat waves. Global warming might just be a part of climate change in general but also has a big impact on earth. Global warming is caused by humans burning fossil fuels into the atmosphere, releasing what is called greenhouse gases. Greenhouse gases are like a blanket, trapping heat in Earth's atmosphere. Without greenhouse gases, Earth would be too cold to live in, but too much would cause the greenhouse effect which is when too much fossil fuels are released in the atmosphere causing the temperature to increase. Humans are emitting more carbon dioxide into the atmosphere, faster than the absorbing rates of plants and the oceans. The temperature would cause icebergs to melt and glaciers to shrink, making the amount of water in the oceans rise. According to DoSomething.org since 1870, global sea levels have risen by about 8 inches which might flood coastal cities or places with low terrain. Global warming is also causing animals like polar bears to slowly start to become extinct because polar bears rely heavily on sea ice for traveling, hunting, mating, resting and for their dens. In particular, they also depend on sea ice-dependent prey, such as seals or other animals to survive, and without them, the polar bears will go extinct. Global warming also causes more extreme heat waves and droughts. Which presents a greater risk of heat-related illness and death and many people grieving for people who had died from the scorching heat. Also according to the U.S. Global Change Research Program, the temperature in the U.S. has increased by 2 degrees Celsius in the last 50 years. And the last two decades of the 20th century have been the hottest in the past 400 years, a feat that proves how warm our planet is getting. It may be true that many people might think that we need fossil fuels and we should burn them, however we could use more reusable sources of energy such as solar energy from solar panels, wind energy from wind turbines, and also tidal energy.
Second, natural disasters are getting stronger due to climate change such as hurricanes, wildfires, droughts and floods. A hurricane is a tropical storm formed in the Atlantic Ocean, Caribbean Sea, Gulf of Mexico, or the Pacific Ocean. To form, hurricanes need warm temperatures, ocean water above 26.5 degrees Celsius (80 degrees Fahrenheit is considered ideal. Warm ocean waters provide fuel for the tropical storm. As warm ocean water evaporates into the air, it rises. At some point, the water vapor cools and condenses, forming precipitation. This cycle repeats which inside the storm clouds, wind speeds increase. Once the winds reach a speed of 64 knots (119 kilometers per hour; 74 miles per hour), the severe storm is considered to be a hurricane. The heavy rains and fierce winds that accompany a hurricane can have tragic effects on life and property. Second, wildfires are happening more often and are becoming stronger due to climate change, burning vast amounts of land. Hotter weather makes forests drier and more vulnerable to burning. Numerous civilians' houses or property get demolished by fire, they are forced to abandon their homes and strive to survive. Rising temperatures evaporate more moisture from the ground, drying out the soil, and making vegetation more flammable. Next, droughts have become longer making the plants and ground extremely dry which could easily ignite a wildfire. In some places, the ground is so dry people can’t grow any vegetation there and has very little rainfall or almost none each year, causing a famine with many people facing starvation.
Also, Earth is having more floods with glaciers breaking up making more water in the oceans which will flood coastal cities or areas with low terrain/elevation. Many people have to climb on their houses to escape the flooding and wait for the surge of water to subside. Another reason there are floods is due to the increasing heat, more water is evaporating and raining heavily on some areas, and submerging them. Lastly, heatwaves are getting more extreme, with many people dying being scorched in the heat for many days in a row without any shelter or haven, and the temperature hitting 100 degrees or more very often. And also making a perfect setup for a wildfire. We need to overcome this obstacle of this century which is causing natural disasters of mass destruction.
Third, climate change is putting animals and plant species at risk of being extinct. Climate change poses multiple threats to the critically endangered hawksbill and other sea turtles. These marine reptiles depend on the continued availability of sandy beaches where countless generations of turtles have laid their eggs, and rely on the warmth of the sun to incubate them. With sea levels rising as a consequence of melting ice caps, some traditional nesting beaches may be permanently submerged, even at low tide. That is not the only issue, however. Hawksbill hatchlings are dictated by the temperature of the developing eggs. The warmer the sand, the higher the chance of female turtles. This makes sea turtles particularly vulnerable to the global heating that our planet is currently experiencing. A shortage of male hawksbills is alarming for the future of the species, particularly when population numbers are already dangerously low. Climate change has many effects on plants and animals and some facts include. Tidal organisms like rock barnacles, mollusks, and tidal snails commonly found in warm southern waters are moving north, many fish species are moving north in search of cooler waters, flowering plants are blooming earlier than before, some animals might be having their eggs or babies earlier, ending their hibernations earlier, and also breeding earlier. Many animals rely on sea ice to survive but due to climate change their habitats are beginning to change and disappear and animals such as walruses, polar bears, seals, penguins are threatened by the effect of melting sea ice. Scientists estimate that the area of snow-covered Arctic land is expected to decrease by 10-20 percent in the next 70 years. Changing sea levels are having a devastating effect on wildlife, causing habitat loss, difficulty in surviving, and drastic changes to the food supply. Climate change is having a big impact on humans, plants, and animals alike making dramatic changes to our Earth and its future.
Climate change is very disastrous and to prevent the future of our Earth from worse effects from climate change it’s very crucial to take action and abolish it before it's too late. Global warming, natural disasters have a stronger impact, and plant and animal behavior changes are all part of climate change and have a strong impact on humans. If we want to prevent Earth from being unable to live in the future we have to take action even if it’s to write a letter to the government or avoid plastic. It will help protect our planet from climate change.
Grader 1 Notes:
I can’t quite locate your thesis statement here. Remember, we want to give the reader the preview they need to keep reading usually by the end of our first paragraph. You give a great deal of background information in your first two paragraphs, but you could spread some of that out into your body paragraphs! Think: What will my reader NEED to know before reading my thesis? Then include that in the intro.
Don’t forget to follow the instructions about how to name your draft! We renamed it for you. Don’t forget the closing of your letter to the president!
Grader 2 Notes:
This essay provides very thorough examples and details about climate change. The author is clearly very knowledgeable about the subject and it is amazing to see so many vocabulary words used! At times, though, the essay lacked coherent organization. Instead of using key facts to build a persuasive argument, it felt like the author wanted to say everything at once in the same essay. Indeed, the author defined “climate change” and “global warming” multiple times over the course of the essay! In addition to the organizational issues, I noticed that the author used very basic transition words (first, second, next, then…) within and between paragraphs. These words actually made the essay less easy to follow because they didn’t always show the relationship between the sentences they connected.
Class 2 (Level 5)
Dear donor,
If a wealthy donor asked you what facility he should build, what would you say? I would choose a library because books can make people more knowledgeable, books can inspire people, and people can save money because they can get free access to books. Free books are perfect for thrifty people. Some people might say that building a store is better, but building a library has a really important feature that a store doesn’t have. Real information that can help you!
I prefer a library because books can influence people by making them more wisely. Libraries are a great source of non-fiction books. People would read more informational books and acquire more knowledge. That leads to the development of your mind. As you see, that is one reason why there should be a library. Many knowledgeable people could cause a positive impact because usually, people who read books could find a way to help the environment.
Having a library could really inspire people. Have you ever thought about an invention that changed your life? Believe it or not, some presentable inventions were inspired by knowledge. For example, you want to make a catapult. You need to learn more information about how to make a handle that you can pull back. You need to read a book! Many people being inspired is great because the area near the library will become full of knowledge, so more people might invent things that could change our lives!
Lastly, libraries also provide free books for people to read in a limited amount of time. Imagine you really want to get the last Percy Jackson book, but it is really expensive! You are really sad. The next day, you learn there is a library. You are so excited! You go to the fiction shelf, navigate where your name is classified, and find the book you want for free! Hence, that is why I think a library is the most suitable facility.
In conclusion, I think a library is the most fitting facility. Overall, I would choose a library because books can make people more knowledgeable, it can inspire people, and people can save money because they can get free access to books. If you like books, you might build a library one day!
Sincerely,
Michael
Grader 1 Notes:
Very nice work! This letter is properly formatted, has a clear intro, body, and conclusion, and is filled with creative reasons and examples. Great job explaining the bigger picture and connecting the examples back to the thesis and the bigger picture. The sentence structure is a bit repetitive, so the author could mix up his sentence variety next time. Additionally, the author may want to include a counterclaim to strengthen his argument; why is a library better than another facility? Great job using unit words, but they weren’t underlined!
Don’t forget to follow the instructions about how to name your draft! We renamed it for you.
Grader 2 Notes:
This essay was clearly planned out, written, and edited thoughtfully and carefully. The reasons for building a library are clearly written with supporting evidence of each reason. Transitions between ideas were a little abrupt and the unit vocabulary words were not underlined.
Class 12 (Level 6)
Dear President Joe Biden,
Leonardo DiCaprio said in his 2016 Oscar acceptance speech: “Humanity faces many threats, but none is greater than climate change. In damaging our climate, we are becoming the architects of our own destruction. We have the knowledge, the tools, and the money (to solve the crisis).” I am writing to inform you about a disquieting challenge around the globe, but also heavily in America. Similar to what he said, climate change is greatly impacting our world; but it’s not too late to turn this issue around!
The term climate change means the climate everywhere on Earth is gradually changing by turning warmer. But why? Because of what scientists refer to as The Greenhouse Effect, created by gases, specifically water vapor, carbon dioxide, and more. These gases let rays of sunlight into our planet’s atmosphere, but they don’t let the heat from the sunlight out. These gases are increasing immensely because of human activities. For instance, we burn furnaces and campfires which releases a lot of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere. The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) forecasts an average temperature rise of 2.5 to 10 degrees Fahrenheit over the next century. But why is climate change so significant? What is it actually doing?
Because of how hot climate change is making Earth, many scientists predict that by 2050, most of the 81,000 square kilometers of polar ice will melt into the ocean. What about the polar animals living on ice? Polar bears and many other animals would be left with no more places to depend on for survival. All the melted ice is also creating an overload of water in the ocean. Think of it as a glass full of tap water full of ice. The ice melts so your cup overflows. This is like when the excess water from ice affects the sea level to rise by more than 8 feet by 2100. It floods many cities in the USA; take New York, Honolulu, and San Diego as an example. With these cities gone, many more people would be left homeless. These are just some examples of how climate change is significant. Look at how we are making these innocent and wholesome animals suffer; they don’t deserve it! Forgive us, Mother Nature!
New statistics show the United States takes second in countries that contribute the most to climate change, being the cause of an alarming 16% of it. If we provided a hand, it would make a huge impact on our global community. I suggest you encourage our citizens to use less fossil fuels like cutting down on electricity. I also propose developing a goal to plant and protect trees, as trees are important sources that detract carbon dioxide. Another very helpful thing you could do as a president is rejoining the Paris Agreement as opposed to former President Trump’s plan. The Paris Agreement is an agreement between countries to stop climate change by reducing carbon emissions with newer technology. More than 192 countries have already signed the agreement; it has decreased the average temperature this past couple of years!
However, we still haven’t refurbished the temperatures centuries ago, as the problem we created, climate change, is hugely affecting us. Let’s restore our old temperatures! Let’s make Mother Nature proud! Let’s make Leonardo DiCaprio proud!
Claire Wu
Grader 1 Notes:
Outstanding job! Your paper reads easily and naturally and sticks to the letter format, and connects often with analogies and rhetorical questions, and it smoothly transitions to helpful explanations of your topic. You finish with plenty of practical ideas and it is very much based in the reality of the situation - your research shows you are familiar with important people, events, and statistics. Great use of vocabulary as well!
Grader 2 Notes:
Very well-written essay! You have a very interesting hook, lots of evidence and explanation in your body paragraphs, and you say what you’d like the president to do. Your voice shines through your writing clearly, and you have some very interesting transitions. Creating topic sentences that reveal the main focus of the essay could help with organization, as well as summarizing your main ideas in your conclusion. You use a lot of research for evidence, but you don’t mention where you got that information. You’ll learn more about properly citing your sources in future months at POP, but you’ll want to make sure to mention where you got the information if it’s not common knowledge.
Class 3 (Level 6)
Friends can greatly enrich our lives, but can any person be your friend? What kind of people can actually be your true friend? What kind of traits are most important when you choose your friend? There are many essential traits, but three stand out. The three most important traits of friendship are humor, friendliness, and honesty. Humor can make people happy, friendliness can make people feel comfortable, and honesty can make people feel willing to share something.
One important trait of a friend is humor. One time during recess in school, I tripped and landed on concrete ground. I was sent to the nurse’s office. At the second recess, I was still feeling down, so my friend Sahasra came up to me and cheered me up with some hilarious and jovial jokes. It was my friend’s humor that saved me from the gloomy day. Therefore, humor is an important trait in a friendship.
Another important trait for friendship is friendliness, which means to be kind, caring, and respectful so that people feel serene. On the first day of kindergarten, I felt lonely because I didn’t have any friends. Suddenly, someone came up to me, smiling. She introduced herself, and I learned that her name was Khloe. She asked if we could be friends. I wasn’t lonely from that day on because I had a friend to play with. We tried to spend as much time as we could with each other, and not a minimum amount because we didn’t want to waste a minute with each other when we frolicked. Hence friendliness is another important trait in a friendship.
The last important trait for friendship is honesty. When my friend Elina and I finished trick-or-treating, we nimbly sorted and traded candy at her house. There was a candy, which was called 100 Grands, that we both liked and I had a lot of it. We kept it as a keepsake, and we would become crotchety if someone took them. When I looked away for a second, I noticed that one of my 100 Grands was gone. I asked if she took it. Elina sighed and handed me the candy she had taken. I was glad she was being honest so I let her keep it. If she hadn’t told me, I would rarely trust her in the future. Honesty is significantly important in a friendship.
However, critics may argue that other traits such as confidence, intelligence, and fashionableness are also good traits for friendship. According to a survey for nearly 1,000 young people aged between 10 and 17 conducted by UK researchers, it is surprisingly discovered that humor (82% voted), honesty (67% voted), and friendliness (61% voted) are the most valued top three traits in friendship, while confidence, intelligence, and fashionableness each were ranked less than 20%.
In conclusion, the three important traits of friendship are humor, friendliness and honesty. Friends should have humor so that when you’re feeling cheerless, they can cheer you up. They should also have friendliness so you feel comfortable around them. Lastly, they should have honesty so you can think that they’re trustworthy. As you can see, friendship is important, so only friends who are humorous, friendly, and honest can be called true friends.
References: https://theconversation.com/young-people-value-diversity-humour-and-honesty-in-their-friendships-new-research-107208
Grader 1 Notes:
Very well-organized essay! You have a strong introduction, a strong thesis, and strong body paragraphs that give examples of each of the traits. You even included a counterclaim and rebuttal! To make your argument even stronger, you could add more explanation of why those traits are important and what happens if they are absent in a friendship. Additionally, you could spice up your writing with other transition words/phrases and sentence variety.
Don’t forget to follow the instructions for naming your draft according to the formatting requirements!
Grader 2 Notes:
This was an excellent essay to read! Your introduction was thought-provoking and you presented your points in a very clear and convincing way. The structure of your essay was smooth and simple, and the counterpoint/rebuttal that you included definitely added an extra element of persuasion. The reasons for each of your traits were strong and clear, but each of the examples were very personal - it would’ve been nice to hear examples that were more broad and could apply to a greater variety of people. Your conclusion lacked a little bit of creativity, but you included vocabulary words very well. Overall a very strong essay!
Class 4 (Level 7)
All of the school districts in the state of Maryland require students to perform community service in order to graduate high school. Is this really necessary? Nowadays, whether or not volunteer hours should be required in order to graduate is a controversial topic. While some people believe that serving the public is a kind, humane act, for some it is seen as a torture and punishment. Though this act teaches young generations to contribute to society, it also may become the daily nightmares of many high school students who see it as a task to complete. Community service should not be required to graduate high school because it’s designed to be voluntary, increases stress, and may create resentment among students.
To begin, community service should be entirely voluntary. Letting students experience being volunteers is the whole point of it. According to Google Definitions, volunteer is “a person who freely offers to take part in an enterprise or undertake a task”. Volunteering teaches kids contribution, responsibility, and kindness. However, if community service is required, all they could think of is to accomplish the “chore” and get done with it. Most importantly, voluntary work makes students feel that they are actually doing good for the world, and that the time they donated is worth taking. On the other hand, with mandatory community service, students might believe that it would be a waste of time since they can always come up with something better to indulge.
Speaking of time, public service hours pile up on the stress high school students already have. In high school, kids start having more homework. They may also participate in a lot of outside of school activities. For those already busy ones, mandatory community service is like another burden! According to an NYU research, “Nearly half (49%) of all students reported feeling a great deal of stress on a daily basis and 31 percent reported feeling somewhat stressed… A substantial minority, 26 percent of participants, reported symptoms of depression at a clinically significant level.” Just imagine this! So many kids are already stressed during high school, and what good could required community service hours do?
Even so, some people still believe that “forced” service hours for high school students is a good way to make them contribute to the community. When a person doesn’t want to do something but he/she is forced, the person probably wouldn’t be as productive as if the activity was enjoyed, and may even gain fruitless results. It may even inflict resentment among students that will eradicate their thoughts on doing it in the future! Students can never experience the inimitable gratefulness and happiness they feel when they are actually helping someone. Is it really a contribution when students don’t enjoy the process and feel the appreciation?
In conclusion, schools should not put community service in the high school graduation requirements considering the many disadvantages people face, including hiding the true meaning of it, increasing stress, and creating resentment among students. Yet, schools may strongly encourage students to participate in those positive activities, and even provide rewards if students choose to do it. Hence, schools could make this a good learning opportunity to let students experience being part of the community in a witty way without disrupting the ultimate goal of community service.
Grader 1 Notes:
Strong essay with good background information in the intro that ensures the reader knows the context of the essay. Strong reasons and examples, good use of outside sources to support your reasons. In the future, you can use the MLA format you will learn in class to properly and formally cite your sources as well. Great use of unit words. Your counterclaim and rebuttal help to strengthen your essay, and your alternative to mandatory community service at the end is a great addition.
Grader 2 Notes:
Echoing grader 1, this essay presents a well-reasoned argument with strong examples and supporting details. It is clear that the author followed the writing process and worked hard to make this essay as good as possible. I especially liked the multiple sources and unit words the author used to support their argument. My suggestion to the author is to rewrite the first body paragraph so that the supporting details only relate to the topic of that paragraph. As it stands, the closing sentence of the first body paragraph actually supports the topic sentence of the third body paragraph. Otherwise, great work!
Class 9 (Level 7)
Community service is one of the major sources of support from the general public to the groups and individuals that are in need. The purpose of community service is to help others back on their feet, give back to our society, express kindness, and fix issues in our society that the government is not able to. Study shows that the outcome of community service is positive to both the giver and receiver, so it should be strongly encouraged and on a voluntary basis. Changing it to mandatory can ignite resentment, confusion and also affect its value.
Community service is to give back to our society, which is a kind action, but requiring high school students to do community service may cause resentment. It is natural that someone is happier doing things voluntarily than being forced to. Thinking of examples such as doing chores, homework, exercise to practicing instruments, it is more common for people to delay, refuse or malpractice when these are required and resentments are the cause of these behaviors. Same as community service, if it is required in high school, even students who have been actively doing community service may start feeling reluctant, obligated, dissuaded and oppressed, and then they will dislike to do so, not mentioning those who have not done community services may even hate it.
Even if resentment will not inflict an issue, the action of making community service mandatory can be costly and introduce other potential issues like management costs or unneeded burden to students. The education system needs rules about types of services, minimum hours, and performance rating, and all of these need personnel which means either increasing the scant budget or additional work to the already overloaded staff. Moreover, the requirements can introduce extra burden for those less fortunate students. As I know, some high school students need to work after school to help their family make ends meet. To add community services to those is to further deprive them of their time from studying or sleeping. For them, the mandate totally betrays the true meaning of community service which is to make our society better and help each other.
No one doubts community service is crucial to our society and encouraging it helps students be realistic, spread kindness and prepare for their future. It would be the simplest way to brutally require community service as part of a high school diploma. However, this action can dilute the efforts to be less effective. For example, if I forgot my lunch and my classmate shared her energy bar with me, although I don’t like the flavor, I would really appreciate her generosity. On the other hand, if I subscribe to school lunch, I may be upset with the same energy bar I am offered. The only difference between the same energy bar is one is from a volunteer classmate but the other is from a required cook. In comparison, if community service is mandatory, the recipients may think that they help these students to graduate. Will they be grateful for the services they receive and feel encouraged to get back to their feet? Maybe, maybe not.
It is tempting to make good and essential things mandatory, but the consequences of enforcement need to be carefully evaluated. As what has been analyzed above, mandating community service to high school students may have more disadvantages than benefits, so it is best to entice students to do so and withhold the requirements.
Grader 1 Notes:
This is a brilliant example essay with very few potential errors. The author clearly put a lot of time, effort, and thought into this essay throughout the entire writing process. It is polished, convincing, and well-formatted. Bravo!
Grader 2 Notes:
Very well-written essay! You have lots of great ideas and examples, and great transition words. You mention confusion as the second issue in your thesis, but I don’t see a body paragraph that talks about confusion. In your conclusion, it’s often helpful to summarize your main points (restate your thesis) to wrap things up.
Class 5 (Level 8)
Dear Ms. Wealthy Donor,
Hello! I heard that you are planning on funding a facility for young people and that you aren’t sure what you should fund. For that reason, I would like to suggest for you to fund a school for learning a form of art. Do you enjoy a form of art? If you do, then you would agree that funding an art school would be the best use of your money. You should fund an art school because students who are given this opportunity to learn will have better brains, learn and improve in subjects they like and improve their motor skills.
Learning forms of art such as visual arts, performing arts, and music is very beneficial for students’ brains. In a 2003 study produced by researchers at the Albert Einstein College of Medicine, it was discovered that dancing can improve brain health. The researchers found that dance minimized the risk of the elderly participants developing dementia. Other studies have shown that dance can help reduce stress, develop new neural connections, particularly in areas of the brain involved in executive function (which includes functions such as emotion control, organization, and other functions relevant to those), long-term memory, as well as spatial recognition, and increase levels of serotonin, which is a hormone that instills a feeling of good in us. Clearly, dancing can greatly improve cognitive functions. Studies have also shown that playing an instrument allows musicians to solve problems more effectively and creatively, both in academic and social settings. Musicians often have higher levels of executive function and enhanced memory functions. Not only that, but studies have also shown that, after exposure to extended periods of musical learning, people can develop an enhancement in multiple brain areas that those without musical learning wouldn’t develop. As Kenneth A. Wesson lists in his article “Drawing and the Brain”, art can help develop spatial reasoning skills, patience, sustained attention, and self-regulation, as well as cultivate multiple intelligences and develop the whole child. From the bountiful amounts of studies conducted, we can clearly see how learning a form of art can greatly benefit the brains of the students.
Adding to the list of benefits, learning a form of art can improve a students’ motor skills. It has been shown in a study that those with Down Syndrome gain better motor skills after dancing. Another study shows how children who dance show a greater improvement in general motor development compared to children who didn’t take dance. Playing an instrument has also been shown to have better coordination, as playing an instrument trains the brain and the body to work together. Additionally, art has been shown to improve fine motor skills, as grasping art materials such as pencils and brushes and moving them with controlled movements require the practice of fine motor skills. From these studies, we can observe that learning a form of art can benefit students’ motor skills.
Additionally, arts covers a wide range of subjects, so if an art school is built, then many students could have the opportunity to explore their hobbies and indulge in creativity in a subject they like. Not only would students learn to paint with oil paints, watercolor, acrylic, and explore other mediums of art, they could choose to explore music through singing, instruments, music composition, and more. Additionally, they could express their emotions and creativity through literature and writing. Dancing and acting would be something that would interest many students. From this vast batch of topics students can indulge in, it would serve the interest of much of the young population, and teach them valuable skills they can take through life.
In the best interest of the students, an arts school should be built. If an art school were to be built, students would have better brains, improve their motor skills, and learn skills and a form (or multiple forms) of art that they enjoy. Please consider this suggestion, as it would do great good to the community here!
Best Regards,
Chloe Zheng
Sources:
https://www.youngrembrandts.com/media/5063/american_school_board_journal_young_rembrandts_kenneth_wesson.pdf
https://socialdance.stanford.edu/syllabi/smarter.htm
https://hms.harvard.edu/news-events/publications-archive/brain/dancing-brain
https://hms.harvard.edu/news-events/publications-archive/brain/music-brain
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R0JKCYZ8hng
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2804629/
https://digscholarship.unco.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1205&context=theses
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6202892/
https://www.learningpotential.gov.au/articles/musical-benefits
Grader 1 Notes:
This is an excellently organized essay. You have a clear intro (with appropriate background information), focused body paragraphs, and a conclusion. You do a great job using outside sources to support your main reasons; you’ll learn more about how to properly cite them in future months in your POP class. You did a great job using a quote sandwich (introducing the research, stating it, and explaining it) for some of your evidence. Good use of unit words and very creative ideas. Great job explaining how it would benefit the young people in your community. Have you had any personal experience with art? How has it affected you?
Grader 1 Notes:
Wow! This is such a great essay describing what a great friend means to you. It is very clear that you not only understood the prompt, but that you have a strong understanding of the writing process and what it means to write an expository essay. Your ideas are well thought out and are very clearly explained for your reader. You do a wonderful job of describing each trait to your reader. I especially loved the simile you used to describe how funniness is such a strong part of friendship. Make sure to pay attention to comma usage and only use them when it is appropriate to do so. You have a few extra commas, and a few places that are missing them. All of the parts of your essay are complete except the conclusion. It felt a bit unfinished. Use the conclusion to wrap up your ideas and bring a sense of closure to your reader. Overall, this is a wonderful essay. I was very impressed. You should be very proud of your work.