Writing Contest 2020 - Golden Medal Essay Exhibition
Level 3
Have you ever seen the most magnificent domino projects? I have watched a lot of amazing domino videos on YouTube. Among these, the most beautiful domino projects are made by Lily Hevesh. In my opinion, Lily Hevesh is the best domino artist on YouTube. She designed and built thousands of dominos. She is my hero and I learned so much from her.
First, I became so interested in building dominos by watching Lily Hevesh’s videos. In my favorite video, a domino piece was launched out of the window and hit the boxes and made a ball roll into a store.
Second, Lily Hevesh taught me how to build dominos projects. She gave me a lot of tips. I got better at building dominos by learning from her.
Finally, she also taught me never to give up. She failed many projects in many videos. But she never gave up. She went back to square one every time she failed. She just kept building and building and finally succeeded.
That’s why Lily Hevesh is my hero.
Level 5
During the COVID-19 lockdown period, if you had 10 minutes to do grocery shopping, how would you strategize your shopping trip to obtain sufficient goods as well as limit exposure to all the viruses? There may be multiple ways to complete such a task, but in my mind a smart way is to create a thoroughly considered plan and execute it with flexibility to make the best use of the spree.
If I were asked this question, I would consider using the spree for grocery shopping because it is most essential for a normal life during a pandemic. I would first confirm a grocery store with the most food variety selection in the area, such as Costco or Wholefoods. Moreover, items are all arranged in an organized way in these stores, so it is easier to locate all items I want to purchase. Additionally, they offer great customer service and a spacious parking lot. This way, I can seek help as much as I need and not worry about getting swindled or no parking spot left.
Next, I would pick some time on a weekday when there are fewer people shopping in the store. This would reduce the risk of being in contact with people infected with viruses and shorten the checkout time. I would make a detailed to-buy list of things that I need and arrange the list, by categorizing certain items depending on where the items are placed in the store. I would also make sure my cash or credit card is ready and sufficient before I leave for the store. If you rushed and didn’t do these steps, you would waste the precious shopping time ending in a mess.
Once I arrive at the store, I would grab a cart and take a quick look at my list. I would follow a route that starts with the department closest to the entry and ends with the one closest to the check-out counter and exit. I would grab things on my list as I walk through each aisle as quickly as I can. I would put each item in the cart in an organized manner, so I won’t miss things. When I check out, I would sprint to a line with the fewest people or mostly people without much to check out.
Before I finally check out, I would double-check the list and make sure I have bought everything needed. I would also check the time left out of the 10 minutes. If I missed anything, I would run back to the department needed to get the item. With extra time, I have the time luxury to check if there is anything else that I may want to buy and quickly calculate if I have adequate time to finish my check-out. On the contrary, if my time runs short, I may swiftly switch to a shorter check-out line or modify the original plan by eliminating unneeded items.
With all these planned steps, I believe I can achieve my goal and maximize the outcome of my 10-minute shopping spree. But, in general I prefer to shop with more time to select items carefully and do some comparison if needed. I wonder if there is another way to strategize this scenario...
1. Terrific thesis. Super clean format, good job following instructions. Strong vocabulary throughout.
2. Only one or two spelling errors and I personally dislike the last sentence ending with an ellipsis (...), but otherwise, this essay beautifully addresses the prompt and meets all the requirements of the essay contest.
Level 6
If somebody told me that I had won a contest, and I was offered a ten-minute shopping spree, I would lose my mind. I have never won any prize (based on luck) in my life. To be honest, however, I have not entered many raffles in the first place. Anyway, if I were offered a chance to go on a ten-minute shopping spree, I would buy gadgets from the Apple webpage, I would buy food from the Weee! website with my mom, and I would buy items from Amazon.
First of all, I would go to the Apple site. I would use three minutes to buy gadgets from Apple. A strategy that I would use is writing what I wanted to buy ahead of time on a piece of paper so that I could copy them to search them up. I would share with my parents and my brother. Apple has created many ingenious tablets, iPhones, and computers that are worth thousands of dollars and could be very helpful in daily life. For example, I have wanted a phone for a couple of years. Well, with the three minutes that I planned out, I could get ten iPhones if I wanted to. Apple has a lot of useful devices that could help a person out, especially in quarantine.
The second place that I would go to is Amazon. On Amazon, I would take about four minutes or so. I would also share with my brother and parents because then everyone could get what they wanted. Amazon has everything a person could want. I could add anything I wanted into the online “cart” that Amazon has in a matter of seconds. From Amazon, I would buy a faster internet provider. The internet in my house sometimes lags out, and it is quite hard to explain to the teacher what happened. It would help with school, and help out in general. I would also get an extra refrigerator. Read on to find out why.
Last, but certainly not least, I would go to the Weee! webpage with my mom for about three minutes. Weee! is the website that my mom buys food from. Remember from Amazon I wanted to buy an extra refrigerator? It is because I would store a maximum amount of food inside for me and my family. We could quickly buy as much food as we could, and then store it in the fridge so we could have repasts without having to keep buying food every couple of days.
All in all, I would get items that would benefit everyone. A better internet would improve everyone’s daily life. Food is beneficial for life. For a ten-minute shopping spree, I would go to the Apple website, I would go to the Amazon website, and I would go to the Weee! webpage with my mom. Wait a moment. Who’s paying?
1. This was a well-written essay with solid structure and flow. You included many informative details and your reasons were relevant and compelling. However, the prompt allowed you to go to one store - does ‘three websites’ fall into that category? Your vocabulary is quite good, but you could consistently go deeper and use more advanced words and ideas.
2. Well-organized following the five-paragraph and hamburger models. I agree with grader 1 that the author stretches the prompt in when answering this question. I would have liked to see the body paragraphs organized by theme: things I want and the strategies to get them and things others want and the strategies to get them, instead of organized by store. That would have made the essay fit better with the prompt.
Level 8
The need for water around the world is immense. 785 million people in the world live without clean water. Places all around the world in Central America, Africa, and the Middle East are suffering from shortage of water, one of the most vital substances to sustain life. Charity: water is a non-profit organization committed to bringing clean and safe drinking water to people in developing countries. If I had $20,000 dollars to donate, I would donate it all to charity: water because it is saving lives, providing for communities in need, and giving 100% of its funding towards its projects.
Clean water changes everything. Nearly 1 in 10 people worldwide, or twice the population of the United States, live without clean water. The majority live in isolated rural areas and spend hours every day walking to collect water for their family. Not only does walking for water keep children out of school or take up time that parents could be using to earn money, but the water often carries diseases that can make everyone sick. Diseases from dirty water kill more people every year than all forms of violence, including war. 43% of those deaths are children under five years old. Access to clean water and basic sanitation can save around 16,000 lives every week. Charity: water saves lives because it provides access to fresh water for people in areas with little clean water, especially in Africa.
Charity: water also provides health, time, and education for communities in need, working with local experts and community members to find the best sustainable solution in each place, whether it’s a well, a piped system, a BioSand Filter, or a system for harvesting rainwater. Its partners coordinate sanitation and hygiene training and establish local Water Committees to help keep water flowing for years to come. In addition, access to clean water gives communities more time to grow food, earn an income, and go to school -- all of which fight poverty. In Africa alone, women spend 40 billion hours a year walking for water. Less time collecting water means more time in class. Clean water and proper toilets at school means teenage girls don’t have to stay home for a week out of every month. Clean water helps keep kids in school, especially girls.
Some charities spend part of the donated money to pay their employees, but charity: water gives 100% of public donations towards providing clean water. The company pays for itself from private donations. Without operating costs, there is a little more money from each donation going to the water projects. A little more money from each person makes a big difference, especially when it comes to donations. Connecting to charity: water by going to the website charitywater.org, I can make the donation happen by filling out the form in the box to the right.
Charity: water makes a difference in the world. Since 2006, it has funded nearly 60,000 water projects in nearly 30 countries, serving around 11. 7 million people. Saving lives every day, this charity is helping solve the water crisis. They are much more efficient and maximize the money that goes into its projects. It’s a solid investment; access to clean water is perhaps the single most powerful tool for sparking economic growth that humanity has ever known
1. Your essay is structured very well, and you clearly explain your key points with well-researched ideas (in the future, it would be good to refer back to your source). You build your ideas well, and everything comes back to the main point of the paragraph or paper. Your vocabulary is solid, but I think you could include higher-level words and perhaps some more complex sentence structures. Your hook could’ve been a bit more effective as well - statistics are not as effective a hook if you use them throughout your paper.
2. Very strong essay with compelling evidence in support of the points, but the essay lacked relevant vocabulary words from the V-W course.
One plain January morning, I was still half asleep, when I heard Dad say to himself in the other room: “Better wake up and get the kids up too. We have a long day of sledding up ahead”. I let out a muffled giggle under the blankets. Dad was still funny as usual. I jumped onto my brother with a great big “SPLAT” (that’s my usual way of waking him up). While we were dressing, my brother asked me, “Where are we sledding? There’s no snow here.” I didn’t know how to answer that question. “Good question,” I said, “Go ask dad.” I added hastily before he could say more. Soon, everyone was ready -- except for mom. We were getting bored when mom raced downstairs bringing all our things. And if I say things, I mean jackets, mittens and gloves. “Change into them! Quickly!” Mom cried. “Whoa Whoa!” I yelled, “Say it again!” And after about a gazillion trillion million minutes, we finally got ready. We piled up into the car. And we are off!
It was a surprisingly long drive, because I didn’t know when we would be there. Finally, we saw a huge snowy mountain. “We actually have to climb that?!!!” I asked, petrified. “You don’t have to. You can just go to a height you are comfortable and then slide down.” Dad explained. “Oh good.” I said as everyone giggled.
Soon I, mom, and the sled were halfway up the mountain. “C'mon!” I cried. I told mom to jump on the sled, but she had good reasons for not to. “I don’t want to land in the snow because the sled slid down the hill as soon as I jumped.” Mom complained. So we put the sled down, and even though mom didn’t jump, I still did, it wasn’t bad.
ZOOM! Went the sled. Mom screamed. I yelled “WEE-HOOOOOA-AAAAAAHHH!!!”.
...
I yelled “AHHHH!” Because another sled came barging toward us! The sled hit us with a great CRASH. I flew out of the sled into the open air, and crash landed right onto the snow! Mom sledded down the hill, and saw that brother was sneaking a smile at dad, who was getting out of the sled they rode on. Mom ran to them and began shouting at dad and brother. I stood up dizzily and heard mom yelling about getting the ambulance. But I didn’t need to go to the hospital. I only needed a big nap. I had to go anyway, so I huddled into my car seat, and fell asleep. I was sooo tired from the whole day of sledding.
1. We loved the details and sensory descriptions in your writing. It was like we were right there with you on that winter day. The verbs and adjectives chosen made the writing come to life. Also, it includes lots of sentences that “show” and not only “tell.” There is a strong voice with a clear focus. Good use of grammar and punctuation.
1. This essay is well-organized, but lacking a conclusion paragraph.
2. Very strong essay with an attractive introduction, great sentence structure, and no mistakes. My only recommendation is to add more in the main body paragraphs and to create a conclusion.