Writing Contest 2020 - Bronze Medal Essay Exhibition
Level 2
Today I am going to teach you how to make a delicious brownie shaped like a Christmas tree.
What you will need: eggs, brown sugar, sugar, vanilla extract, salt, melted butter, all purpose flour, cocoa powder, icing, green food coloring, straw, red and green m$m, and candy stars.
First put 2 eggs, 50g brown sugar, 80g sugar, 1 tsp vanilla extract, and ½ tsp salt in a bowl and mix it with a whisk. Then put 140g melted butter and mix it again. Then get 65g all purpose flour and a sieve, and put all purpose flour on it then shake it on top of the bowl. After that, put 75g cocoa powder on the sieve, and shake it. Then mix it all together.
Next, get another bowl, and pour the thing we just made in that bowl. Then, bake it for 180 C 15 min in the oven. While we're waiting for that to bake, we're going to make the green icing. Get a bowl and put an egg white in the bowl. Then, use a mixer to mix it. After that, put 300g icing in the bowl. Then mix it again. Next put some green food coloring in the bowl and mix it. Then get the thing from the oven and cut it into 8 pieces
Then get a straw and poke a hole on the bottom. After that, put some green icing zigzagged across the brownie. Finally put red and green m&m on the brownie to make ornaments and put a candy star on top.
Now try it yourself!
Level 3
My hero has no clothes, except an underwear. He also has a cape with lots of red dots on it. Another thing about him is that he also does not have any hair. Guess what?! His name is Captain Underpants. He is from a series of books, written by David Pilkey (or Dav Pilkey). They are novel books but also comic books. Captain Underpants is the main character of the book. He used to be Mr. Krupp, but he got hypnotized by George and Harold, so now every time he hears a snap, he turns into Captain Underpants if you pour water onto his head, he turns back into Mr. Krupp.
Not everyone might think Capitan Underpants is a hero, but he is a hero to me. He is strong and clever. When people need help, Captain Underpants uses his fly power. He, George, and Harold do whatever they can to save the people, and fight with monsters. He is also brave, vibrant, and he never gives up when he almost loses a battle. He also has wit, which makes him so hilarious.
Generally, he got hypnotized in the first book. Starting at the third book, he drank extra strength super power juice so now, Only Captain Underpants can fly, and defeat strong monsters. (Mr. Krupp can’t fly and defeat strong monsters.) Just before the part when Captain Underpants drank the extra strength super power juice, he almost got killed by a giant evil dandelion, but luckily, George stole some extra strength super power juice, and gave it to Captain Underpants so he drank it. He used his extra strength powers, to get out of the giant evil dandelion’s mouth, and defeated the dandelion. But the one thing George and Harold don’t like about Captain Underpants is every time Mr. Krupp hears a snap, he turns into Captain Underpants, and he flies out the window (saying tr-a-la-laaaa) without George and Harold’s permission. After the third book, every time hears a snap, Mr. Krupp turns into Captain Underpants but with extra strength super powers.
George and Harold in one book used the 3-D Hypno Ring to hypnotize their teacher, (which was Mrs. Ribble) accidently turned her into a monster, which she was called “Wedgie Woman” but Captain Underpants helped defeat wedgie women, and then George and Harold dehypnotized Mrs. Ribble which made her into a nice teacher. In the fourth book, A guy called “Professor Pippy Pee-Pee Poopypants” or “Professor Poopypants” tries to take over the world, forcing everyone to change their names in silly names, like “Poopsie Diaperhead”. Captain Underpants fly out the window, and tried shrink Professor Poopypants and his robot. Eventually, Professor Poopypants shrank Captain Underpants instead of Captain Underpants shrinking him. Harold then made a paper airplane, George used the machine to make the paper airplane big, and they climbed into it. They actually didn’t aware that Captain Underpants was steering the airplane, but they landed in a place and almost got smashed by a bolder. At the end, Captain Underpants conquered the evil Professor, and George and Harold used the machines to make the school and Captain Underpants back to normal size.
I enjoy the book a lot because it makes me laugh and it makes me want to write my own comic book about Captain Underpants. You should read it, too.
1.Very interesting! You do a great job sharing with your reader what Captain Underpants does in the different books, but don’t forget to remind us why that makes him your hero (and summarize the reasons in your ending/conclusion). Don’t forget to edit to fix capitalization, spelling, and other little mistakes :)
2.You tell us a lot about what happens to Captain Underpants, but don’t give many details or examples of why he is your hero. It doesn’t feel as personal for that reason. You misuse a few words, but in general your vocabulary is quite strong.
Level 3
If the world’s been crushed with a forest fire, a big tsunami, and the air being badly polluted, which one do you want to save? My answer is to save the air. So first, if the air is polluted, people will easy be sick, and maybe even die! Even if there’s a superb doctor who can save you, the plants will decay and the animal will die from the air and hunger! Maybe you’ll ask me why don’t I save the fierce fire and the scary tsunami? Well, if the air’s being polluted by gas, the fire will go bigger and bigger, big enough to burn a village! And about the water, the water will be covered in polluted air and become very dirty. If the dirty water spreads on humans, we will be sick and soon die! Also, the others can be saved too! If the tsunami meets the fire, then the fire will be gone! And people can find ways to hide and stop the tsunami. If the world’s been crushed with a forest fire, a big tsunami, and the air being polluted, I’ll save the air. Which will you save?
1. I can tell that the author made an effort to use vocabulary words from the textbook and the words are used effectively! This essay has very basic introduction and conclusion sentences, but they are repetitive. The content of the paragraph includes good examples to support the author’s argument, so in the future, I would like to see these arguments previewed in the first few sentences (I would save the air because ___, ____, and ____).
2. You start your essay with a good question hook, and introduce your main idea quickly. That’s a great way to begin. You also used some target vocabulary very well. Your sentences were quite repetitive and began with “and” which isn’t recommended. I think your organization was a bit hard to follow, since you didn’t use proper paragraphs and everything seemed to be linked.
Level 5
Since water is undoubtedly a necessity to all living things, I would want to save the water from pollution, in contrast to the burning forest, the depleting Ozone, and the vanishing natural resources. Why do we need water? Earth has more than 326 million trillion gallons of water. There is only 3 percent of water that we can drink, but about 2 percent of that water is locked up below ice so we only have about 1 percent of water that is healthy for us. In my opinion, we should strive to save the water from pollution and figure out shrewd strategies to accomplish this task.
Obviously, all living things need water to survive. Without it, land animals would be wandering around like nomads trying to find water. Without it, marine animals like fish and sharks would be flopping around helplessly because there is no water and then eventually, they would die. Without it, plants would die too! Plants need to be watered every day so they can grow up to be healthy and strong. Animals and plants are not capable of surviving when they don’t have water. They are not prepared for the consequences. If the water is polluted, animals and plants will die.
At this time, how should we fix it? When we do garden work, we use pesticides, herbicides, and fertilizers. It does make your garden insect-free but don’t dispose of these chemicals because all the chemicals will end up in the water. Instead, people could find an appropriate recycling station for their chemicals.
To make a plan to save water, I would gather a group of friends, and we would form a group called The Water Saving Squad. We would go to every school and house to tell people not to dispose of their pesticides, herbicides, and fertilizers. We would also educate everyone not to flush pills, liquids (except pee), medications, or drugs down the toilet. Moreover, The Water Saving Squad would distribute special containers for those pills, liquids, medications, and drugs.
To sum it up, water is a precious natural resource, so we must protect it from being polluted. We should not dispose of toxic items, or it will end up in the water. How would you protect the water?
1. This essay is almost exactly what we are looking for! It uses the vocabulary from the textbook and addresses nearly all aspects of the prompt. To improve this essay in the future, consider adding a thesis statement. I’m also curious about where we should put the toxins once they are collected. Do they go into landfills? This is a big question that needs more than two pages to answer, so what you have is more than sufficient. Great work!
2. Very excellent essay with fantastic formatting. Your authorial voice is terrific and you include the vocabulary very naturally. I found the weak point to be in your solution though, which was limited to one, small-scale idea. I think a variety of strategies for individuals and bigger groups would be critical. But if you start the Water-Saving Squad, you can include me! I love the idea and the name!
Level 5
Have you ever stepped outside of your home in the morning, only for the cool air to be cut by the distant but thunderous sound of chainsaws in your neighborhood forest? That means trees are being removed from the earth, and releasing carbon gases back into the atmosphere. If you’ve ever used your stove, you're using electricity that has been produced from burning some very valuable natural resource, natural gas and coal. This is a very bad sign, since if we ever run out of these natural resources, we won’t even have enough materials to fix the broken world, or move away from it.
Natural gas and coal are not only very valuable resources, we are starting to run short on them, which may cause some friction against powerful nations, since they would want a fast way of making energy. On top of all of that, fossil fuels can produce nasty carbon emissions that may change the climate of the atmosphere, which means that this natural resource could possibly be able to cause a war since all nations will still want to use this fuel, it also can endanger the environment by spitting tons of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere, which is why we should cut down on these resources.
Wood and other kinds of foliage are also very valuable resources, but harvesting them can have some very negative consequences. Trees can suck in carbon dioxide, and then turn it into the air that we breathe. Cutting these trees however, will release these deadly gases, even if you can’t see them. That means that every time a tree gets cut down, deadly toxic gases are pumped into the atmosphere, and that is not a good thing, since these same deadly toxins can make the earth hotter causing global warming. That is why we should try to stop using so many trees all at once.
Water is also a natural resource we should save for rainy days. While 70% of the earth's surface is covered with water, only 1% is drinkable!! 97% of the water is salt water, and only 2% is fresh water, but a massive amount is frozen in the glaciers. That means all that's left for us to drink is 1% of the water, before the earth is dry of drinkable water. Of course, we could filter out some of the salt water, but turns out, it is actually a very costly and complicated task, which means that it would be a wise choice to stop wasting water.
With all of the ways that our earth could slowly be drained of its life source, it seems hopeless for us on our planet, right? Well, not exactly. For fossil fuels, we are already using many alternatives, and it’s pretty easy to, since the whole point of it is to make electricity and to power cars. We could use wind energy, solar energy, dams for hydroelectricity, and we could even achieve the ultimate energy source if we learn how to make a small sun on our planet, called fusion energy. You yourself could even contribute to the cause! Every time you use your stove, ride your car, or flip open your generator, you produce carbon dioxide that can be harmful to the atmosphere. If you can ride your bike more, or use a more fuel-efficient stove. Those will all help the planet get a more clean and fresh air.
Water can be something that we can start saving up on as well! If you take short showers, air dry your clothes, or even stop dumping water down the drain, and instead put it in your plants and lawn, you are contributing to keeping our “blue marble” blue, and not brown with sadness and droughts. plus, we could make clean drinking water using
Those are some of the most fundamental resources that we use today. If we ever run short of these things, terrible things would happen to the economy, as well as the planet, which is why we shouldn’t use as much as we are using today. these very valuable things as something that doesn't do any damage to the world around us.
1. Terrific in most areas, but did not fully address the prompt by focusing on a single element and defending why.
2. Similar to grader 1, I kept waiting to read about how fixing one of the resources (as the prompt demanded) would be more important than the others. I appreciate the thoughtful explanations of the various problems facing our earth, but I would have liked to see a more focused response about just one issue. There are also several run-on sentences in this essay. In general, sentences should only have one or two subordinate clauses (because…, since…, which…, etc). There are multiple sentences above that have three or four, making them a little confusing to follow.
Level 5
Since I had learned how to talk, I’ve been begging for a dog and a phone. (yes, begging indeed) My parents, on the other hand, would NEVER get them for my brother or me. But what I didn’t know yet was that today was my dream day; I was going to change that forever!
I woke up with sunlight piercing into my eyes. As I slowly got out of my bed, I changed into my clothes, brushed my teeth, and headed toward the kitchen for breakfast. I sighed as I figured that I needed to make my own breakfast. My dad wakes up later than me, so does my mom and my brother. I stared up into space as I dumped cold milk into the flowery bowl with cereal in it.
“Let’s watch some TV!” my dad exclaimed after we finished our breakfasts. Without further ado, we turned on a newscast and started watching. When suddenly, a bright eye catchy advertisement popped out: “ENTER THE CODE: TGP479 ON THE WEBSITE TGP.NET TO ENTER A COMPETITION, THE WINNER GETS AN EXCELLENT SURPRISE!”
I quickly ran to my bedroom logged on to my computer, entered TGP479… TO FIND THAT I HAD WON! “Oh my god!” I exclaimed. It wrote in big bold letters: “YOUR SURPRISE IS A 10 MINUTE SHOPPING SPREE!!!”
After that, I quickly jolted my plan. Then, I was ready to go! So just like that, my mom, the AD company workers, and I were on our way to my first planned stop, PetSmart.
“I am going to PetSmart first!” I announced as we pulled off of the driveway. “WHAT? YOU ARE GETTING A PET? NO WAY!” My mom shrieked. “Yes way, it’s a shopping spree!” I replied.
I expected my mom to argue back, but she just buried her face into her hands. When I got to PetSmart, I knew the shopping spree was a mere 10 minutes, so I rushed to the dog section.
I looked and looked but couldn’t find a dog that interested me. Then, we hit the 7th aisle. “That one is the cutest thing ever!” I shrieked when we saw a tiny brown German Spitz. “Are you sure? German Spitzes shed a lot of furs…” My mom complained.
“Yes, I am sure,” I said, my mind was already made up. Next, I quickly grabbed all types of foods and toys for the new dog. “I think I got enough supplies,” I announced.
We rushed to the cashier, where the AD company paid it for me. I looked at my watch; THERE WERE ONLY 4:49 MINUTES LEFT! We got into the car and drove to Walmart. It was a long ride compared to the one to PetSmart. I secretly paused my timer because I didn’t want to waste my time driving to stores.
“Time passes so fast,” I mumbled as we approached Walmart. Once I got into the shop, I couldn’t waste any of my time walking around shopping. I ran to the phone aisle and inspected the phones.
“An iPhone 13 for me, and iPhone 5 for my brother (that’s what he deserves).” I hollered after what felt like 2 hours of inspecting.
“There’s 2:37 left in the shopping spree,” I said, “which means I can buy more stuff.”
I looked around the electronic section because it’s the most expensive (I’m greedy). I found something that caught my eye! I saw Air pods! I quickly grabbed it and raced to the paying station.
When we were all done with the shopping spree, we drove back home. Back at home, I unpacked my brand-new phone and showed my brother his. “WHAT THE HECK. I WANTED A NEW PHONE, NOT THIS CRAP!!” He cried loud enough to wake the dead.
“Hey, stop complaining. At least I was nice enough to even get you a phone,” I replied. “I promise I have a better surprise,” I assured. “What is it?” he asked. “A cute little doggie!” I informed.
We decided to name our German Spitz. After that, the rest of the day was just bombarded with the puppy and the new phone. This day was definitely my dream day, with no exceptions.
Very engaging writing style and no egregious grammar mistakes, but this essay grossly exceeds the limit of 1.5 pages. The first 1.5 pages talk about breakfast, not the topic of the writing prompt. This essay is a great piece of writing, but I had to take away points for exceeding the page limit.
Level 6
Imagine that all four elements (Fire, Water, Earth, and Air) are in terrible condition, and that you had the power to fix one of the four elements. What would you choose to fix? If I were to choose one element to fix, I would fix air.
I didn’t choose fire because fire relies on air. If there is no air, there is no fire. I didn’t choose earth because pollutants in the air can be carried in the rain and contaminate the earth. Therefore, if we don’t save air, the earth will still be under threat. I didn’t choose water because it lacks the things air gives. Water consists of hydrogen (H) and oxygen (O), but no carbon (C). Though people can turn water into oxygen (O2), they can’t make carbon-dioxide (CO2) out of water because carbon-dioxide (CO2) needs carbon (C). Plants need CO2. Without CO2 you can’t grow plants. If you don’t have any plants, you can’t raise animals. If you can’t raise animals, you don’t have meat.
I choose air because air gives us most of the things we need. Air contains water vapor, carbon dioxide, oxygen, nitrogen, and a lot more (periodical) elements we need. With air, we can restart the world. We can condense the water vapor in the air to create water. With water, sunlight, and air, we can grow plants. With plants, we can raise animals.
Even though carbon dioxide is helpful to the earth, like most things, to much carbon dioxide is harmful. The problem here is that we are emitting too much carbon dioxide and that is harming the Earth.
To fix the air, we should stop or decrease the amount of greenhouse gases/carbon dioxide going into the atmosphere. We could create and use more efficient, more environmentally friendly energy and food sources. Studies have shown that the emission of animal agriculture globally is 9% of the total global emissions. That may not seem like a lot, but that is more than all that the trains, trucks, cars, ships, and planes emit (which is bad)! We could slow the production of meat, instead we could make more plant-based food. There are companies creating meat-like products that are made from plants, so people who like meat will still get products that taste like meat.
Our planet is already polluted. If we do nothing, the environment will not be suitable for human beings to live in. By starting to fix the air, we can turn the tide and have a healthy earth.
1. Honestly a near-perfect essay. Great structure and clarity - it was very persuasive. Your technical skills are terrific, but still a bit on the basic side. You can advance them with more complex sentences. This should come naturally with all the cause and effect relationships in your essay, but instead you use more simple sentences. Your introduction and conclusion also lacked a wow factor.
2. Lacks conclusion sentences, explain relevance of examples.
Level 6
Have you ever thought of how to win a ten minutes shopping spree? Well there is a lot of thinking going into it. If you don’t take some effort into it you’ll probably lose. There are a lot of things you need to take account for! For example, planning which store to go to, your strategy, and how it is beneficial. When all of the thinking is taken into account then it is much easier to understand and win the shopping spree. But first you will need to do the hardest part: planning. The planning should also take place a few days before the shopping spree because it takes the longest. In addition if you don’t plan ahead it will be a mess when you start the shopping spree because you’ll get nervous, not know what you want to do, not know what the hell to get, and where to go.
So first I would choose to go to Costco because I am very familiar with Costco, and I go there weekly. You can use a membership card there. Also that helps because it means there will not be a lot of people, and I can get a lot of stuff. I would also want to go there because they have a really immense diversity of stuff that I can buy. I can also get all useful things for myself too. Another thing that makes it a good option to choose is that it is close to my house and I can go there really fast. Costco has a lot of people to test which of the brands and styles are the most popular then they will put it on their shelves, that means I can get quality stuff. Also after you choose the right store it will become quicker and easier to find things.
My strategy is to brainstorm about what I would want to buy, and after I brainstorm I would make a list before the competition. When I’m making the list I have to take into account that there is only so much time I can use. If you're making a list you should write down all the things you want to buy, and then categorize them, then draw a route map of the store. Then I would get 2 or 3 friends to come. If I don’t bring any friends it would be really hard to carry a lot of carts for all the things I plan on buying. If I had my friends I would tell one of them to bring carts and the others to go check out the things we would already have. That is because checking out is the longest part. Another thing I would do is memorize the store then I can immediately know where everything is. The last thing is that in the last minute or two the thing I would do is to just shove everything I can that is extra into the carts that I have.
Well if you ask me how that would be beneficial, here is the answer. It would be very fast to shop because you would have already memorized the store. You can get very good quality stuff. Also you don’t have to look around for the things you want to get and you don’t have to think about anything. So you can immediately know what to get. You can also get the useful things you need for the next few days. Lastly, you will have a great memorie of the store and you can use this strategy for other sprees as well so you are saving a lot of time by doing this.
This is my strategy. I hope you agree with it. If you think about it when you plan it perfectly there is a better chance you’ll win. Now you probably know why I want to plan about where I go, what my strategy is, and how it is beneficial. It is really easy to think about it like a hamburger because the shop is the buns, the strategy is the lettuce, meat, cheese, etc, and the beneficial parts are the condiments. Also the strategy is like the add on of a hamburger because it helps you get a better idea of what you're doing and a burger’s add-ins help it taste better and it tastes like not just a plain bun. Lastly, the beneficial parts are the condiments because it makes you feel better and the condiments in a burger makes it taste better and richer. Now each time you want to be in a shopping spree you can have a better chance at winning!
1. You use strong vocabulary words (especially verbs), but often, your overall tone is a bit to informal - fix this with stronger opening and linking phrases. The last paragraph was a big distraction from your main points. Your ideas are well-reasoned and include the relevant details.
Level 7+
Holidays are supposed to be an all-happy-no-fighting time, right? Not necessarily. There are some holidays with controversial origins that cause people to fight about it quite a lot. The question is, should we celebrate these holidays at all? Yes, I think we should celebrate holidays with controversial origins because, they are still a time worth celebrating, some people might really like the holiday, and holidays are supposed to be a peaceful time with no fighting.
One reason why I think we should celebrate holidays with controversial origins is because they are still a time worth celebrating. For example, Thanksgiving. Despite the conflict that happens between some people about this, Thanksgiving is a time to be thankful for the little and big things in life. Who cares when or who started it. We should not be greedy and take everything we have for granted. Many controversial holidays have an important meaning, like Thanksgiving, therefore, they are worth celebrating.
Another reason why I think we should celebrate holidays with controversial origins is because some people might really like the holiday. If it is a holiday from your tradition and it is not a ‘real’ holiday, you might feel quite sad because you might not find the proper things in the stores to celebrate yourselves, and you might feel like an outsider when to tell other people you celebrate this holiday while they have never heard of it. People would probably like to be able to talk and share ideas with their friends on a specific holiday. If you are the only one celebrating, it can and will get a little lonely. Thus, I think people who really like this holiday will be disappointed.
Another reason why I think we should celebrate holidays with controversial origins is because holidays are supposed to be a peaceful time with no fighting. For example, Christmas happens to also be a quite debated topic. Imagine yourself. It is Christmas morning. You rush downstairs and the feeling of joy you feel when you see the cookies you left for Santa are gone. The joy with the morning sun sparkling. When we argue against that, it is most likely going against all holidays that you celebrate, which are a time for peace and happiness.
In conclusion, yes, I do think we should celebrate holidays with controversial origins because they are still worth celebrating, some people might really like the holiday, and holidays are a peaceful time. We bother celebrating holidays because they help us remember the good things in life. Despite the fighting over some, they still are an important time.
1. Very focused essay, with great structure where everything relates back to the main point. You clearly outlined your intentions in the introduction. There were relevant and helpful examples for support. Your transitions were redundant (another reason x3 ! ), and in the future you could include higher-level vocabulary and more detailed examples to strengthen it.
2. This essay is well-organized and it follows the five paragraph essay structure very nicely. However, the essay never concretely defines what a controversial origin is. It is difficult to be convinced of something if I don’t even know what the topic is. I also agree with grader 1 that the word choice could have been at a higher level.
Level 7+
I believe that showing kindness to others is important, positive, and beneficial. Kindness is crucial as it improves the quality of life and brings warmth. Showing kindness to others will not only benefit them, but also you. It can boost self-esteem, relationships, health and can also encourage others to do so too. Winston Churchill, Former Prime Minister of the United Kingdom once said, “We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give” and I strongly agree with this quote. Although it does not specifically mention kindness, it implies that kindness is positive and beneficial, as sharing with others is a symbol of kindness, thus the phrase “sharing is caring”.
Showing kindness to others brings a multitude of benefits for both the receiver, and the giver. Collaborating with others is necessary and occurs often. For example, working together with somebody for an important project or task needs cooperation in order for it to be successful. Showing kindness to someone can lead them to trust you more and boost their perception of you. Kindness is also valuable, as one act of kindness can change someone’s life for the better. For example, donating just a small amount of your money can secure the rest of the years’ worth of food for another. Kindness can also help your relationship with others, an important part of life. Sustaining relationships with friends, family, coworkers, won’t be possible if you don’t show them kindness.
It is also scientifically proven that kindness benefits your health and body. Research shows that kindness boosts your serotonin, the neurotransmitter responsible for feelings of satisfaction and well-being. Like exercise, altruism also releases endorphins, a phenomenon known as a “helper’s high.” Since satisfaction and happiness bolsters the immune system and kindness triggers well-being and satisfaction, showing kindness allows one to obtain the benefits of happiness. People that suffer from anxiety and depression can use kindness as an aid to attaining happiness and winning the battle against their mental illness. Studies also show that showing kindness promotes a healthy heart, as it releases the hormone oxytocin, which protects the heart by lowering blood pressure. So, for people suffering from high blood pressure, kindness can reduce it. Albeit the impact that it has isn’t hefty, the impact that follows is still beneficial. Additionally, it is scientifically proven that kindness lengthens one’s lifespan. People have a greater chance of getting heart diseases if they lack a strong network of family and friends. Since showing kindness to others develops strong relationships and builds trust, it also reduces chances of contracting heart disease. Researchers in the UK looked at psychological characteristics of over 8,000 people and found that those who scored high on optimism and a sense of well-being enjoyed a 30% lower risk of developing heart disease.
Kindness is also proven to possess the ability to reduce stress levels, as it creates friendships and strong connections with others, which in turn acts as a mental aid and combats stress. Stress takes a toll on energy and mental awareness, resulting in negative consequences that greatly impact one’s workflow and productivity, hindering the completion of critical tasks. Someone may be required to turn in an important project or assignment, but because of their high stress levels, productivity levels rapidly decrease, and the assignment is turned in with poor quality. Kindness also promotes smarter decision making and creative problem solving. As mentioned above, showing kindness can increase happiness and positivity and, according to research, increase happiness, which causes our brains to not focus on the negatives or stressors, allowing additional room for critical and positive problem solving. When people are stressed or emotional, they tend to act irrationally and cause the problem to worsen. With a positive mind, people tend to act rationally and tactfully, allowing them to resolve problems efficiently.
In conclusion, I concur with Winston Churchill’s quote, “We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give” for several critical, impactful reasons. Showing kindness to others comes with medical benefits, such as support for the heart, defense against heart diseases, and a strengthened immune system. Additionally, kindness creates stronger bonds and healthier relationships with the people around you and improve the quality of life. It can also benefit productivity, efficiency, and reduce stress, assisting people in completing work faster, more efficiently, and accurately. There are also multitudes of other quotes from famous, successful, and influential leaders that show how kindness is important, positive, and impactful. Lao Tzu once said, “Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love.” This is only one of the many quotes that encourage others to show kindness, applaud kindness, and spread kindness. They teach us that kindness is impactful, positive, and important. That kindness is valued, and valuable.
1. This essay is extremely well-written, but it is quite long. The quote from the prompt is only mentioned in passing. The page limit for this contest was 1.5-2 pages. If I had stopped reading after 2 pages, I would not have a clear idea how the author feels about the Churchill quote. For other writing contests, this piece of writing might be highly appropriate. I would have preferred to read in the introduction how Churchill’s quote directly relates to kindness and/or the living/life distinction. What is the difference between making a living and making a life? How does kindness fit into that distinction?
2. Excellently written, but seems only vaguely connected to the prompt. Missing closing sentences or explanation of evidence in a few parts
Level 7+
Seventy-six of this nation is White, thirteen percent is African American, a tiny bit more than one percent is Indigenous, and about six percent is Asian. Do not be deceived by these small percentages, however, because as of 2019, more than eighteen million people live in the United States. On holidays, many people come together to celebrate, yet there is always one question lingering in the air: Should we celebrate holidays with controversial origins? I think that yes, we should celebrate holidays with controversial origins, because more of us would attempt to try new things, and accept more people. In addition, I am confident that kids will be willing to learn more if it is in the guise of celebrating a holiday.
What exactly does controversial mean? It means, “giving rise or likely to give rise to public disagreement.” People often don’t celebrate holidays, because of public disagreement, but if we were to celebrate all different types of holidays, it could potentially give people a lot more opportunities to try new things, while still letting them have fun. Some, while they don’t agree, are forced to complete customary traditions for ‘old times sake’. In that way, trying new things is frequently unwelcomed, but if a friend invites you over for dinner in preparation for a holiday you have not celebrated, wouldn’t you agree? In turn, you would be trying something new.
On public occasions, many people stare at others wearing festive clothing for a certain holiday, like China’s Lunar New Year, or India’s Diwali. They don’t accept that some people in the world are different than them, and have different dates to come together, wear special clothes of all colors, or chant in their native language. They don’t want to accept. Recently, more and more people believe in racism, and that, in turn, makes people judgmental, which is ‘public disagreement.’ Furthermore, countless people hold feuds because their ancestors did, not caring about the real reason. If we could come together, and throw away all assumptions, the holidays would be happier, and more accepting.
Most kids, as we all know, don’t really enjoy learning. That’s just the truth. However, kids do like to celebrate holidays. I strongly believe that, masked by the intention of celebrating special occasions, kids would be more willing to open their minds to new things, and learn more of everything around the world. As a mere child myself, I know that I obviously would be less stubborn about educating myself if it was a holiday, not a class, where I have to sit patiently for hours on end, waiting for the torture to be over. A holiday is merry, happy, a time where everyone enjoys listening to stories, and that is when kids learn, albeit unknowingly.
Holidays with controversial origins deserve to be celebrated, with over eighteen million people in this world, we have many different traditions as well. With people of different cultures, different races, and different generations, controversy is everywhere. If we do not resolve all these arguments, or problems, there will soon be too much to contain! Trying new things isn’t always welcomed, but if we do it to try a new holiday, people will be much more forgiving. Accepting is the same. We all know that kids are stubborn about learning, yet love to celebrate. Educating themselves while celebrating a same time might make them more willing. This is a world of all different holidays. This is a world of all different colors.
Very well-written and clearly thought-out. My first note is to check the numbers in the introduction and conclusion. There are approximately 300 million people in the US, and over 7 billion people in the world. Beyond that, the author makes good points about celebrating others’ traditional holidays even if it causes controversy. The prompt, however, asked about holidays with controversial origins, not holiday celebrations that might cause controversy. Despite being so long, this essay failed to address that part of the essay prompt.
Almost everyone in the world celebrates some holiday or another. However, some widely celebrated holidays have become controversial over time. A part of these controversial holidays are under debate because of their origins. For each controversial holiday, some people believe they should be celebrated, while others believe they should not. Holidays with controversial origins, though, should not be celebrated in general.
A holiday that is currently very controversial is Columbus Day. Columbus Day is a U.S. national holiday that celebrates the day Christopher Columbus discovered America. However, in the past several decades, the issue of whether Columbus should be celebrated has been increasingly debated. One reason for not celebrating Columbus Day is that Columbus did not discover America at all, since Native Americans were already living there before his voyage. A second reason is that Columbus enslaved and mistreated the natives he encountered but is glorified by Columbus Day celebrations. Some U.S. states have started to recognize Indigenous People’s Day instead of Columbus Day because of these reasons.
While Columbus Day is a prominent example, there are other holidays that are controversial because of their origins as well. Most of these are controversial because they celebrate someone or something that is hurtful to a group of people, such as how Columbus Day is regarded by some as a celebration of colonialism and the conquest of Native Americans. In addition, many people are unaware of the actual harmful origins of these controversial holidays. Because of this, holidays with controversial origins should not be celebrated. After all, it is unquestionably wrong to celebrate a holiday originating from something that harmed others while ignoring the damage that was caused.
Some people argue that controversial holidays, no matter how disputed, are important parts of their culture and heritage and should be recognized. It is true that holidays with controversial origins often have historical or cultural significance. Despite this fact, though, these holidays still cause problems. Celebrating controversial holidays, especially without knowing why the holiday is controversial, can fuel misunderstandings about other cultures and about history. For example, in many U.S. schools, students are only taught that Christopher Columbus landed in the Americas in 1492 and do not learn about any of the negative effects Columbus had on Native Americans. Having a holiday specifically celebrating Columbus furthers misconceptions about him. Instead, people should recognize controversial holidays’ negative effects, even if those holidays are important to them and their culture.
In conclusion, there are several reasons why holidays with controversial origins should not be celebrated. Holidays that have controversial origins are always controversial for a reason, often because they directly or indirectly commemorate something that hurt a certain group of people, such as racism or colonialism. Having a holiday that is harmful in these ways also makes things that are harmful seem like something that should be celebrated. Beside just not celebrating controversial holidays, people need to acknowledge the damage that has been caused, like how some places are replacing Columbus Day with celebrations of indigenous peoples’ cultures.
Clear persuasive writing. The introduction is inviting, states the goal or thesis, and provides an overview of the issue. Information is presented in a logical order and maintains the interest of the audience. The conclusion strongly states a personal opinion. It is evident that a lot of thought and research was put into this assignment. Word choice is creative and enhances the argument. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, and/or spelling, but they do not interfere with understanding.
Level 7+
“We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give” -Winston Churchill. Without food, we die. To be alive, we need to not be dead. A living is defined by not being dead. A life is defined by other people. If somebody has a cruel personality, they are considered cold and unfeeling. In the 11th century, these kinds of people were seen as instruments of darkness, or the devil’s servants. To other humans, they were soulless and evil. They were essentially dead. People who gave to the poor (or in those times, to the church) were said to be pure of heart, and clean in the eyes of God. They were the people who led a good life, and were accepted by the community. That is why Winston Churchill was right.
In order to make a living, you have to stay alive. In order to stay alive, you need food. To get food, you need money. Or, in other words, you need to obtain things to sustain yourself. This is what Winston Churchill meant when he said “We make a living by what we get.”
In order to make a life, you have to give to others. For instance, misers are different from philanthropists. In most story books, misers are people who do anything to guard their money, treating everybody like scum. However, philanthropists are described as kind and caring people who usually have some sort of relationship with the protagonist. As a reader, we do not empathize with the miser. But we empathize with the philanthropist. Our life is defined by others. If we are like the miser, emotionless and unfeeling, we have no life. If we are like the philanthropist, warm hearted and generous, we have a life. This is what Winston Churchill meant when he said “We make a life by what we give.”
In conclusion, Winston Churchill was right in saying, “We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give.” What we get sustains us, while what we give allows other people to empathize for us. Our life is defined by others. And if we are good, we have a life.
1. This is a very strong essay! I especially appreciate how the author defines the terms early and supports his position with examples from literature. I would have liked to see more examples from the author’s own personal experience. Points were deducted for lack of a title and for not directly responding to the prompt about why the author agrees with the Churchill quote.
2. Your introduction didn’t include a hook and was too long and unfocused. In your second paragraph, you could have used stronger sentence structures to explain that idea, and go into detail about it a bit more. This would be a good time to connect with the reader. You never really mention how you feel about it - so the personal aspect was missing from the essay in that way too. Your vocabulary is quite strong, and you build your ideas well.
1. Excellent work! I can tell that this essay was carefully written and edited. I would like to see some more vocabulary words used and a few more sentences in the introduction. Explain why the Christmas tree shape is important to you, then teach us how to make it.
2. Your organization and grammar skills are terrific. You give clear instructions for the reader and make it easy to understand and follow. Your vocabulary was rather basic - very few descriptions were used, and you repeated words like “the thing” and “it” when you could’ve been much more detailed about such a delicious treat! In addition, your introduction would be much more engaging with a hook, such as a question for the reader or a detailed delightful description of the treat.